The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Monday, August 28, 2006

How to Tell

I was recently speaking with a single female friend of mine that lives out of town. She's been my personal relationship and sex advice guru for a while, and whenever I do something and haven't consulted her...I hear her voice inside my head ("You called him?!?!? Oh God...Throw his number out!").

But this advice thing goes both ways, so when she called me last week, I sat down to listen to the story. She had met a man at a wedding they were both in. This man basically indicated that he wanted to get to know her in a "biblical" way (must be those wedding blues), and my friend decided to give him a trial run.

Now anytime you take a new person to bed, you run a risk. Sure you run the risk of STD's, but you run an even bigger risk that the sex is so bad that you actually wish that you hadn't had sex in the first place. But my friend assured me that he had been previously good with his hands on their prior meeting, and was earnestly shaving her legs in preparation of their big night. He was supposed to meet her on Thursday evening, but called very late. This, I took as a bad sign and told her to dump him. If he wants to partake in her heavenly gates...well he should crawl on the ground worshiping her first. If he can't do that, he's not worth it. She agreed...or so I thought.

I get a call from her on Friday. It seemed that she had met him after our conversation and consummated their relationship after all. However, the event was not news worthy.

"Patrick...I think I slept with a gay man!" she exclaimed.
"Again?" I asked. (we have a history...but not me).
"Yes!"
"Well what makes you think he was gay? Did he want you to strap one on?"
"Well for one...It was really boring."
Recalling more than 1/2 my ex boyfriends, "That means nothing."
"Second...I don't even know if he finished!"
"Well...Sometimes guys get a little too sensitive and can't finish."
"Lastly...in the morning, when he came out of the bathroom, he was wearing bronzer!"
"Yup...He's gay."

So for all you straight women out there. If he's wearing bronzer...Don't bother.

Patrick - 1:08 PM -

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