The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Tick Tock

Tick, Tock.

Anyone ever seen the movie Hook? For the most part, it's a cute movie for kids that has a message for adults as well. We adults (Christ...When did I become an adult?) have set up expectations in our lives, things we think we should have accomplished by a certain point, both personally and professionally. When we don't achieve those accomplishments by a certain date, we often just push back the deadline. "I want a baby when I'm 25! 28! 30! 35! When I meet someone."

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

This past Tuesday, a waiter at the restaurant turned 40. He works 6 days a week doing double shifts, and with those hours, he's able to afford to live with 4 roommates in Brooklyn. He's got no savings at all, and his prospects are pretty bad, and worst of it...He has no future goals. He's stuck exactly where he is. He could make better money by switching jobs, but he doesn't have the desire to change.

That same day, I had an appointment with my doctor. Yes, he's gay. He's also got a partner, an adopted child and owns a home just outside the city. At one point in my life, I thought I was going to have all that. My Ex and I talked of adopting when he finished his PhD, we were already looking at homes to purchase, I was on the "Educational Institution fast track" and moving up in my career. But things change. We broke up. I seriously don't see any of this in my future anymore. Time to let the dream go.

Over the last 5 years, I feel like my life switched to the path of the waiter, without any future goals. For the most part, I wasn't sure what I wanted. Hell...I'm still not sure what I want, but I know what I don't want.

I had said back in February the number "one". Specifically, I wanted to work ONE job by December 31st, 2007. Not a huge goal, but for someone that was facing homelessness a summer ago, one job is an improvement. Seriously, I don't want to be a 37 year old man who has to bartend two nights a week to be able to buy groceries. But time is ticking away.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Who's afraid...

Watching that movie Hook, I found myself indentifying with the villain, Captain Hook. A man who can't stand hearing the ticking of the clock. That ticking is what tells us what we haven't accomplished yet. Almost mocking you, telling you what you are failing at. It was a line from the movie that has been stuck in my head since I watched that movie.

"Tick, tock, tick, tock. Who's afraid of the ticking clock?"


I am.

Patrick - 1:54 PM -

---