The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Up Yours!

I have worked in bureaucracies for over 15 years. Financial aid is one of the biggest organizations of crap and paperwork I have ever had the pleasure of navigating. And working on the inside...well, it's even worse.

I had thought I had seen it all, and then I did some work with the INS. Suddenly the paperwork of financial aid offices was completely dwarfed by the problems of people waiting 10 years to get their citizenship or naturalization papers. The INS has the biggest bureaucracy!

Until now.

On August 1st, I met with my gastroncologist for the first time. He gave me a thorough physical (including a digital exam) and scheduled an additional test two days later. Based on the results, I was referred to a second doctor for additional tests.

One week later, I get my tests done by a new doctor. This doctor, upon meeting me, gave me a full physical...Including a digital exam. He then ran the tests that the first doctor ran and sent me back to my first doctor, who referred me on to the surgeon.

First appointment at the surgeon's office. Upon meeting me, he gave me a physical...And another digital exam. He scheduled my surgery, but he also wants me to see another doctor for a specific test called a manometry. This doctor will be doing this test on Monday morning, but he also insists on giving me a full physical, as I've not seen him before. Yes...Another physical...And another fucking digital exam.

I was also given a huge amount of forms to fill out that I will need to bring to the hospital a week before I go for surgery. One particular form needs to be filled out by a primary care physician.

I don't have one. I haven't had one since I was 12. I called the hospital and no matter what...I have to have a primary care physician fill out the form clearing me for surgery. Apparently a person who meets me for the first and likely only time in my life will be qualified to state that I'm ready to go under the knife.

I found a doctor and she will only fill out the form after she gives me a full physical. In fact, after looking up some of her scholarly papers, I've found out that she feels that all men should have a digital exam yearly during their physicals. Yes...One more finger up my ass. Because...really...things can change so drastically in the week since my last digital exam.

So getting frustrated, I looked at all of the paperwork that will be filled out at the hospital when I do my pre-admittance. Apparently the attending physician is required to do a physical examination. One of the items on the Attending's check list is a rectal exam. That's 6 fingers up my ass in less than 6 weeks. This is the equivalent of giving a woman 6 pap smears in 6 weeks. In case you didn't know this, if you suffer from the difficulty swallowing food, your asshole will be the primary way of checking the symptoms. Either that, or these doctors think I'm a bottom.

I've become angry...and I've decided. You've heard of woman "Taking Back the Night"?It's time to take back my asshole! I'm going to be a pain in their ass. You want to slip a finger up there? You better damn well have either bought me dinner or expect to bend over and let me slip a finger up yours first. I've had enough physicals to last a lifetime. These doctors need to communicate their findings better.

I've been playing nice...but not anymore. It's time to cut deals. You want to do a rectal exam? Fine...no med students are allowed to view my case or any of my files. You want to check for a hernia? Only if you sign a paper agreeing that you will not use a catheter on me.

Maybe I'll get myself good and constipated right before my next physical. That'll teach them. What can I eat to be constipated?

Patrick - 4:20 PM -

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