The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Obligations

We all have obligations in life, those that we have no choice over (like dying and paying taxes), the self inflicted ones (I've got to work out more), and the guilt ridden ones (exactly when is the last time you called your mother?).

It's the guilt inflicted type that has always been my worst enemy. No, I don't feel the need to call my mother (in fact...I have no idea where she is) and calling my grandmother is currently like rubbing salt in an open wound. Instead, I self impose my own stupid requirements on myself.

I don't know where all of these rules came into being, but since it wouldn't be a good day if I couldn't bash my grandmother once, I'd say it starts from her. She's the one who taught me that I should judge myself based on how other people think of me. Have I ever mentioned that she doesn't have much of a self esteem? Good to see it runs in the family. If I'm asked to do something that I don't want to do...I'll still do it. In my head I'll begin to think "What would people think of me if I didn't do _____ in return?"

This can be really problematic in certain situations, specifically sex. Aren't their times when you are obliged to put out? A wise woman told me a phrase that I've used for the longest time.

"Just because he put his dick inside you, does not me you owe him a damn thing!"

I've used that phrase often...but I've not practiced what I've preached. I've done the deed because I've felt I've had to. Obligatory sex. He's done these things for me, so I at least owe him an hour or so. How long can it really last? Of course, it isn't easy. How exactly are you supposed to have sex with someone when you don't want to, or aren't even attracted to the person?

I know the joke, "point your ankles to Jesus and think of handbags!", but it's much more difficult than that. When you find yourself wishing you were kissing a dead fish instead kissing the person you are with, something is the matter. At what point do you say "Stop! I find your physically, emotionally, and spiritually repulsive and the thought of you and I having sex makes me vomit a little in my mouth!" It's like being a really low paid prostitute who eventually despises his customer. "You bought dinner? Aww shit...I have to sleep with you now. Make it quick."

But "just because he put his dick inside you..." or visa versa, doesn't mean you are obliged to do it again. Except I was raised to be the nice guy, always accommodating the other person. Put other people's needs above your own. "What would he think if I said no?" But when putting someone else's needs above your own sacrifices your own self esteem, it's time to stop.

At least I think so. So how do you stop?

Patrick - 4:06 PM -

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