The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Throwing My Legs Over My Head

Recently, I signed up to run a new race. A 4 mile run in Central Park that starts up the east drive and back down the west (crossing the park at 102nd and 72 streets). The run itself shouldn't be that bad, but I'm not yet running at my full strength since I've got out of surgery. But that isn't my main concern. My main concern is that it's November, and I hate the cold. I live on the North East coast and I HATE THE COLD!

It's why I despise the fall. The minute the wind blows my nipples get so hard that I could etch drawings into glass (which isn't saying much since my nipples are always visible regardless of what I wear). If it weren't for the fact that Hawaii is so far away from the mainland and flights are so expensive, I'd move there. I'd rather have leathery skin from sun exposure than goose bumps on my ass, and the need to wear fifteen layers of clothing.

Running in the fall becomes problematic. What does a short, poor guy like me wear while running outside in the late fall? I still sweat like a whore in church, so it has to be moisture whisking, but still keep me warm, as my candy ass will be miserable if my teeth can't stop chattering.

Which is why I went shopping in SOHO this weekend. I was looking for some type of warm up pants. Now I've been to Target and K-mart, and in both cases, the clothing that would fit my waist was unacceptable in the length. I would need to grow 8 inches taller to wear the pants. Thus, SOHO looked like a decent place to search out athletic gear.

I entered the one store and saw a sign that said men's clothing were located upstairs. Up the stairs I went, and at the far end of the store, I found pants I might be able to wear. I grabbed a size small and looked for a changing room, and after circling the upstairs twice, the salesperson informed me that the dressing rooms were on the first floor. Thus back downstairs, where I tried on the potential purchase. They fit fine, and I made my way back up the stairs to find a coordinating jacket. That was when it happened.

Last week, my boss came into the office sick. Since then, both my coworker and I have gotten sick. Yesterday, I took cold medication to make me feel a little better. In reality, all the medication did was make me sleepy. Walking those steps a second time was exhausting, but I continued to climb them, until I reached the last step. I placed my left foot on the last step and for whatever reason, my foot slipped and I tumbled to the ground. That normally would be bad enough, but because I was still on the stairway, I proceeded to roll backwards down the stairway, head over feet,(boom, boom, boom, boom) landing at the base of the stairs, in women's lingerie. I opened my eyes to see panties hovering over my head (which in itself is more frightening than falling down the stairs). Immediately, every sales person in the place was running to my side to see if I was alive.

The first, a 16 year old girl, asked if I was all right. I just looked at her, with a beet red face and asked "are these on sale"? I didn't care if they had cost my entire month's salary, I'd have bought them. Lucky for me they only cost $15. Either that, or the salesperson just wanted to sell them to me and have me get out as quickly as possible.

Now who wants to bet that it will be warm enough during my race next month that I won't need to wear them.

Patrick - 2:55 PM -

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