The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Exposing My Head

Sunday, I signed up at one of the local comedy clubs to do a "Panic Attack". Basically, you show up at the club at 9:00 in the morning and are given a topic (of which all the comedians are given the same topic). Twelve hours later, the comedian is expected to do a 10 minute set based on that topic. Fairly easy and straight forward, except the "fun" is watching the comedians fail and thus the topics aren't easy. I can think of a million topics that would be fun to work from.

"Christmas Beverages" is not one of them.

I went back to my apartment, with my topic pressing upon my mind, and stared at a blank computer screen, but I couldn't come up with anything. I then called Tuna. She suggested Elf Cum. Trying to tie elf cum, egg nog, and chest pains together, I placed the whole idea on the back "elf burner", and went off to work out. Working out, sometimes helps me think. However, after three hours of trying to think of things, the only idea that kept creeping back in my head was the 12 Pains of Christmas.

The second thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me.
Hangovers.

So I had to pursue it. I started out by going to the bar down the street and ordering a beer. Why do so many of us get hungover during the holiday season? Because it's a holiday, and that means dealing with our families. Nothing makes me want to drink more than seeing my grandmother. Put my mother in the mix and I'm going to need a Xannax (perhaps a fist full of Xannax). I had another beer.

Most people however don't have families like I have, although married couples do have in-laws, and let's face it...In-law and Vodka have the same number of letters for a reason. And to me...nothing says "Christmas beverage" better than a drink the Russians perfected. Really. Everything tastes better with vodka. Cranberry Juice, orange juice, gingerale...ice. I ordered another beer.

Yet I felt this tangent was leading away from my original topic (or the fact that I had now had 3 beers and was feeling a buzz), so I decided to go browse the stores looking for Christmas beverage ideas. First hit was Williams Sonoma, where they are selling Egg Nog pancakes. I also remembered seeing egg nog flavored coffee and egg nog lattes. This was a genius idea! I love Egg Nog! It's better than sex (or at least it tastes better) and if it wasn't for the 10 million calories per cup, I'd switch it for milk. Just the thought of hot chocolate egg nog or steamed egg nog makes me more than just a little warm inside. Nay...almost aroused. I realized that most recipes that call for milk could be substituted for egg nog, like an egg nog flavored cheesecake, or egg nog flavored cookies. And who wouldn't like a little egg nog on their cornflakes? Or egg nog mashed potatoes?

With my mouth watering, while walking in the store, I realized that well...I had nothing, and only had about 6 hours to go. So I winged it.

Thankfully, I wasn't the worst on stage that night.

I need a drink. Anybody got some Egg Nog?

Patrick - 11:41 AM -

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