The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Learning How to Do It

Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The other day, I saw a bug in my apartment and I don't deal well with that. Therefore I did what any neurotic homosexual would do. I pulled a tactical nuke and sprayed five cans of Raid (did I mention that I'm neurotic) to kill the one insect and any of its potential friends that might be hiding. In every corner, under every object, behind the stove and anywhere else I could think of, I sprayed the noxious poisonous gas, until the scent of Eau De Bug Spray invaded every breath I took. I was about to open the sixth can when my eyes and skin started burning and itching. It was time to leave the house for a while, which is how I ended up at Barnes and Noble booksellers.

In Spain, the best upper sets do it
Lithuanians and Letts do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Perusing the aisles, not looking for anything in particular, I found myself in the self help/relationships section of the store. Now I don't understand this, but nearly all these books are written for women. "How to understand men", "How to get a man to commit", "How to find Mr. Right", "Why won't he call?" were the majority of the topics. For those of you who didn't know it...relationships with men are very difficult to figure out. Lesbians have got it easy...they just move it together.

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it
Not to mention the Fins
Folks in Siam do it - think of Siamese twins

I picked up one of the books and read something I found a little interesting. All of our current relationships are based on what we we got in relationships with our parents. "Ask any adult child of an alcoholic and they'll agree, they can find the one alcoholic in a crowded room, and almost always be attracted to them." An interesting concept, and maybe it hit home a little bit, as I spent the evening in the cafe thinking about the relationships I had with the adults in my life.

Some Argentines, without means, do it
People say in Boston even beans do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Looking at the primary adults in my life, it would have been my Mother, my Grandmother, and my Father. Now I'm the first to admit my mother is one fucked up woman. Seriously...she's had hair color that she's kept longer than husbands (last I heard she's a blond). Hmm...

Romantic sponges, they say, do it
Oysters down in oyster bay do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

My grandmother should be Jewish martyr, as she can lay on the guilt like the best of them. "I'm going to go without cable and send you some money so you can come visit me, as it's the only way I ever see you." She's not happy unless she

or I'm

suffering as much as possible. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was Christ on the cross (thus why she has pictures of Christ everywhere).

Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The relationship with my father is obviously the worst. He's been dead for 17 years and I still find myself angry at him. Yes, he was abusive, but even more was a figure that just ignored me (as long as I never made a sound in his presence). The TV was always more important. According to this book, I would then be drawn to men who put me second to everything else. That...well that hit home a bit.

Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it - Waiter bring me
"shad roe"

So according to this book, my relationships involve men that will ignore me for everything else in their lives, and I'm not going to mind, because I'm only happy when I'm suffering. Sadly though, I'll never commit to any of these men, as I can't stick around long enough. It sounds crazy...but just like getting caught between the moon and New York City...it's kind of true. If all the relationships you've witnessed in your life are fairly dysfunctional, you've got a lot of work to do.

In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

I don't know if this is why I'm single, but it does make me wonder...how exactly do you learn how to love and be loved?

Patrick - 1:42 PM -

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