The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Menopause...A Real Change

I call my grandmother once a month out of guilt. The conversation is nearly always the same with her.

Me: Hey, you sound out of breath. Is everything ok?
Granny: Oh hello. I just got home from church.

It doesn't matter what day I call. She goes daily. Kind of like checking in with the receptionist in God's waiting room.

Me: So how are you?
Granny: Alright.
Me: (beginning to feel like I'm pulling teeth) What have you been up to?
Granny: Oh...nothing much. I don't go out that often. When are you coming home?
Me: I am home.
Granny: No...you know what I mean. The Mark Lyndon came to visit his grandmother down the hall last weekend.
Me: Mark Lyndon lives a 5 minute drive away.
Granny: Well at least he takes the time to see his family. You two were always such close friends. (pausing to actually whisper this question) Do you think he is gay?
Me: (Thinking of a particular incident) Uhh...I'm not sure. Why? Does he ask about me?
Granny: No! He goes to church on Sundays!

Now this exchange can go on like this for a while, but inevitably, she'll change the topic to something worse.

Granny: I hate this new phone.
Me: Why?
Granny: I just do!
Me: (Knowing full well I'm antagonizing her) Ok...what exactly don't you like about the phone?
Granny: Well for one, it's too small.
Me: Yes...size does matter.
Granny: (not even getting the joke) And it has buttons.

Since my grandmother has gone through "the change", she's become the most change resistant person I've ever met in my life. She doesn't like the idea of a new VCR, still owns a record player (not that they make any more records), and obviously will never own a cell phone. I once tried to explain that televisions are going to switch over to high definition in a few years, but she's having none of it. She was upset that televisions no longer come in wooden cabinets. The only way she's going to replace her television is when Jesus starts broadcasting in HD. And yes...she loves her old phone.

She refuses to get a touch tone line. Up until this year, she had a rotary phone, but the dialing mechanism finally broke, and she had to get a new phone. They don't even make rotary phones any more, but some phones still have pulse dialing features. Exactly what is a feature of Pulse Dialing? That being said...she lives in a security building that requires she input the open door code (which is in touch tone) through her phone to let anyone in. She has to manually switch the phone to let in a visitor.

I pointed this out to her as a way of convincing her that it may be time to update the telephone line.

"No...you're the only visitor I get anyway...and you never come to visit."

And the guilt conversation begins. A conversation better left unwritten.

Patrick - 1:07 PM -

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