The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Help Wanted: Home Wrecker

Friday night in NYC is for happy hour. The same way the weekends are reserved for Brunch, Friday happy hour is a major institution, and not just for the drink prices, but because if you meet someone on Friday night, you have the remainder of the night to get involved in a relationship with them, Saturday morning to sleep in together, Saturday afternoon to get in a fight, and Sunday to declare a divorce and be back on your single merriment.

Thus, last Friday, while at happy hour, I was invited to a rooftop party in my neighborhood. Now, a good boy would have politely refused to go, especially since he had plans the next morning. However, I'm not a good boy, and I happily agreed to go to this party for a person I didn't know. Mainly because I wanted to see the 5th floor walk-up apartment with the wrap around terrace.

Shortly after arriving, I was introduced to the host who approached me with a sly grin. She asked me a very intriguing question:

How would you like to make $50? My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her and is secretly gay. I'll pay you $50 if you can find out.

Now I thought about it for a bit (ok...a second) and decided to take up the offer. Fifty bucks is fifty bucks, even if it is for the job of a home wrecker. And work should be challenging. I like a challenge. The hostess introduced me to he friend, the wife and a stock broker, who admitted that she and her husband, an opera singer (he's gay), hadn't had sex in the past 8 years (homo). The two women pointed out the 40 year old man, who was wearing Kenneth Cole from head to toe (really gay), and was drinking a Malibu and Pineapple Juice (gay as a three dollar bill).

I walked up to the target and watched as he was interacting with three men in their late 20's (Hello friend of Dorthy). His conversation was boring, but I distinctly heard him discussing the most FABULOUS (no comment) performance he had recently seen. Wedging my way into the conversation was easy, as the three other men seemed eager to move on to more stimulating discussions. I soon found out why, as the man was as boring as dirt.

Now seduction is never an easy thing with someone you just met. Ok...while typing that, I actually snorted coffee out of my nose. Most gay men I know are whores (or at least want to be), and all it takes to seduce one is to ask. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" is usually all it takes.

But this guy was different. His wife was there, so I had to seduce him like a straight man. I had to get him drunk. As he talked and talked and droned on, I refilled his foo foo beverage (homo), each time making the drink stronger, until he started standing closer to me. That was when he gave me the line I hate more than any other line.

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

***blank stare***

I don't have a boyfriend because I'm trying to seduce a middle aged closet case who hasn't had sex with his wife in 8 years (gay). That's why I don't have a boyfriend!

I didn't say that...but it was what I thought at the time. However, he had started to target me and was starting getting touchy feely while moving me to a more secluded corner. It was in that dark corner that he grabbed my crotch (ding...big homo on aisle 12). I made my excuse to get another drink and found the party hostess, to collect my $50.

I'd become a $50 whore, which is so odd for me. I usually do it for free.

Yesterday I found out that the wife wants to contact me. She wants me to help her when she files for divorce. Uhhh...I may be a $50 whore, but even I have standards. I'm not going to face a divorce lawyer unless you pay me at least $100!

Patrick - 1:14 PM -

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