The Former Traveling Spotlight
The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.
Original content© Patrick Doyle 2003-2017 all rights reserved
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Friday, August 03, 2007
Loving Your Enemy
Last night, a friend called with a personal crisis and asked that I meet him in the "Circuit Party of New York". Yes...he asked me to meet him in Chelsea. Land of muscle men, tank tops, and washboard abs (I knew I should have worked out yesterday). However, it was his personal crisis (read=breakup) so it was my duty to play good friend.
We walked down 8th ave, and I spotted a restaurant. Something was different. Empty tables, most people dressed appropriately, no muscles bulging...My God? Why is the restaurant have so few people? Especially when every other restaurant is packed? We decided to give it a try.
Entering the restaurant, our Russian hostess (appropriate for an Italian restaurant) sat us at a table right next to the window. Why? Because this is Chelsea...it's all about watching the eye candy walk by. And let me tell you...I've got a sweet tooth.
It was at this point, when I opened my menu, I realized why no self respecting circuit boy had walked into this restaurant. Carbs. They are the enemy and they had declared full war in this place! Every item is a garlic infused carbohydrate packed delight.
I looked at my waist, and since my pants were feeling a bit on the loose side, I figured I could handle it...as long as I did it in moderation. Bring on the feast!
Our waiter, a cute guy I honestly think I may have dated (read=fucked) in the past (so many men...so little that are memorable), recommended the Four Cheese Lasagna with a pink sauce. Pink sauce? Could I be any more gay? (shut up) I'll take it. My friend ordered the Chicken Marsala, which comes with of side of guess what? Pasta! Bring on the carbs! Neither of us will be having boyfriends tonight!
Our buss boy brought us 8 pieces of garlic bread. Eight? Seriously? Do you have any idea how many hours on the treadmill I'm going to need to spend to work off these 6 (mmmm...good) pieces of bread? Just one of these 4 pieces has to be at least 300 calories! (swallow)...they should warn you before they bring 2 pieces of bread to the table! What? Yes, please refill our bread basket. Thanks.
My pants were beginning to feel tight, so I thought it best to loosen my belt.
Thankfully, as we were finishing our second basket of bread, the lasagna came out. Now for those of you who don't know this, it's time I set the record straight. Ladies and gentlemen:
Size matters.
Specifically when it comes to lasagna, and the Gorgonzola, ricotta, Parmesan and mozzarella goodness that I was about to eat showed just what kind of size queen I can be. This lasagna was larger than two of my fists put together. There was no way possible I was going to eat all of it....but damn it...I was going to try!
Somehow I had transformed into a pig (read=pig...not PIGGY!) and this lasagna dish was my trough. My friend, seeing my dinner, tried to take a fork full taste for himself, but nearly lost an hand in the process.
"MINE", I growled, as I continued to shovel into my mouth the cheesy bubbly goodness that I am going to be working off in the gym for months. My fellow gay brethren stared from outside through the window, as I shed all sense of decorum and ate...and ate...and ate.
"Don't judge me! In 10 years, you'll be 37, sporting a gut and eating in the same fashion. Bitches!" I thought. I would have said it, but that would have meant pausing in my eating, and stopping was not an option. This was the best damn lasagna I'd had in 5 years (granted, it's also the only lasagna I've had in 5 years). Sadly, I had to stop, as if I ate any more food, I would have been sick. Not to mention, I think I split the back of my pants open.
Thankfully our waiter wrapped up the remaining 2/3, which I will be able to eat for breakfast...and lunch, and dinner today. It was that much food!
Now some of you (well any of you who've actually read this far down) may be wondering why I have this on my mind. Well, you see, I had dinner last night at 8:00 pm. It is now 3:00 the next day. I've brushed my teeth twice, flossed, had several cups of coffee and some sugarless gum. Yet still I'm tasting garlic!
That...and I realize that I have broken the gay laws. My prison sentence is to get on a treadmill. My waist currently resembles a muffin top.
Patrick - 2:05 PM
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