The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Expertise

Back in the 90's, I was sought after for my knowledge of all things. I trained well over 90 people on federal regulations, ran audits of both student and offices, and was for the most part, proud of it. That was 8 years ago...and since then, I've not really been an expert on much. Until now. For the first time in a very long time, I am on expert on a very important subject that most people have no clue about. I am the leading authority on being poor!

All these Lehman Brother's, AIG, Citicorp, Merrill Lynch castaways have no clue how to manage their lives without making those 6 figure salaries they are so addicted to. They sit at the day spa getting massaged as they moan in denial, angry that the world owes them, wanting to know why the govt didn't bail them out and save their job! They call their $280 an hour therapist and schedule extra appointments, and watch HBO while hoping their "Network" of recruiters will find them a new job.

And I sit here an expert, offering them advice.

1)You are not the only one this is happening to. Likely, your "network" doesn't have time to deal with you, as they are looking for jobs themselves.

2)Turn off the cable television. It's a damn luxury, and there isn't anything on the TV that is all that good anyway. Not to mention...do you really need to spend the $4.39 a day on a Starbuck's Latte?

3)Cut up your credit cards. It was a huge portion of people living beyond their means that caused this crisis in the first place. Learn from their mistakes.

4)Giving a good blow job could get you a job. Right FARB?

5)Groceries are not expensive if you go with a friend. One of you fill up a bag with food and have the other cause a distraction as you leave out the front of the store. Just remember to run like hell.

6)Your therapist wants you to remain depressed to continue collecting her fees. She's heard from you how hard it is being poor.

7)What the fuck do you need a three bedroom apartment for if you are living alone?

8)You can save a lot on cologne by hitting the perfume counter at the department store before going out.

9)This phrase could save your life. "Would you like to supersize that?"

10)Anything can be sold on Craigslist.

Now that I finally am an expert...I think I'm going to start charging to hold seminars for those who haven't a clue. I wonder what I should charge...

Patrick - 12:01 PM -

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