The Former Traveling Spotlight

The tales of a "30" something gay former stand-up comic living in NYC who is searching for his soul mate or soul...which ever comes first.





Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Sensitivity Training

I am a sensitive guy.

Yes...I know...how progressive of me...whatever. Yes, I do try to think of other's feelings and I'm not ashamed to cry in public, but this isn't why I'm sensitive.

Yesterday afternoon, I was flipping channels and caught a medical show where people could ask the doctor anything they wanted. What caught my interest was that the entire audience was composed of nothing but men. And one of them asked the question:

How often and exactly how do I check for testicular cancer?

The doctor, being the health professional that he is, brought the guy onstage, and showed him and the audience on a cadaver that had been donated for this purpose.

Examine each testicle with both hands. Place the index and middle fingers under the testicle with the thumbs placed on top. Roll the testicle gently between the thumbs and fingers -- you shouldn't feel any pain when doing the exam. Don't be alarmed if one testicle seems slightly larger than the other, that's normal.

At this point, I was rolling on the floor in sympathy pain. This was turning into the longest 10 minutes of my life! Why the hell weren't they breaking for commercial?
As I was breaking out into a cold sweat. For the love of God!!!! I was in agony. If fact, I'm in pain just typing this.

I know I should be checking myself monthly...but you know what?

I survived cancer once... I'll chance it.

Patrick - 11:53 AM -








Thursday, March 13, 2008

Knowledge

They say that knowledge is power, and the other night I learned something while catering.

Sweetbreads...are neither sweet...nor bread.

People who spend 2000 a plate will eat some fucked up shit. I don't care how cute you are...you'll be washing your mouth out with Listerine before kissing me.

I've never been so glad to not be able to eat much in solid foods.

Patrick - 10:48 AM -








Monday, March 10, 2008

Left Behind

A phone message I left this morning.

Hey. It's Patrick.
I was wondering. Did your boyfriend leave his cock ring in my apartment? If so...I found it under my pillow.

Call me later and let me know. If it is his, I'll hold onto it until the next time I see you both.


There is a perfectly rational explaination for this message...but with my reputation...nobody would believe it.

Patrick - 11:44 AM -








Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Digger

Friday night, while at happy hour (which is always happy, but way more than an hour), my friends caught a blonde man staring at me from across the bar. Seeing that they are all in relationships, they brought him over and introduced him to me.

My initial reaction was that he seems nice and he's attractive. He's 31, works in marketing, blond. But that being said, the conversation was a little bland, but that can happen while being pressured to actually converse with my friends listening to every word we said. So we moved off to the side a bit and continued our conversation.

He lives in Manhattan, is single (which is a big change in my record), and grew up in the Midwest. I still found myself thinking "eh", and then he said the magic words.

"I bought my apartment this past year".


Suddenly he was really attractive.


Ummm...what does this say about me?

Patrick - 11:39 AM -








Monday, March 03, 2008

Class Dismissed

Yesterday...I finally found out what it's like to be a woman. No...I didn't get pregnant, nor was I sexually harassed (although I'd welcome that), nor was I passed over for a promotion by a less qualified man. Rather, I experienced something a bit more intimate.

Who here hates Whitney Houston? To me, she is a crack addicted pimple on the butt of society. That being said, I remember when she pretended to act in the movie "Waiting to Exhale". At one point, she has sex with this guy, who climbs on top of her and climaxes within seconds, and with that...he's done. She's left there, laying on the bed, thinking..."is that it?"

There is no excuse for bad sex. I can understand if Mr. QC (quick cummer) is excited and loses control...but we have rules in gay sex.

Rule #1: If you both haven't had one...you aren't fucking done!


I'm to impatient to be a teacher, and at the age of 39...he's too old to be a student!

Class Dismissed!

Patrick - 11:17 AM -








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